Hotel prison – now that’s a bit dramatic.

Day 8 (said in a Geordie accent). The Adams family entered the Big Brother house Village Inn Hotel.

Out with the Celtic Manor Lodge’s barn, my word that was sumptuous. Must get underfloor heating. Save a fortune in slippers. In with the pseudo corporate grind meat machine hotel.

Consists of heavily made-up makeup’ed reps (XX & XY and everything in between), busy sales people. ’Busy’ is not by the way the same as productive. Far from it. Sweat-bag in hand gymers and swimmers. Starbucks wired, retired or fired. Expensive is not the same as quality. It’s a lift and shift money machine. The sportsbar type hotel where anything goes as long as your over-consuming the hotel wares. Wi-fi lounge/work pods paid by the hour. (Members only – you have to have pre-paid to pay). Sports screen, wide-screen, surround sound, cinema seats. Salty treats and foreign beers, high-bar stools, just like in Cheers.

  • Don’t loiter here and really drink, no ten-minute Guiness, no weighted ash tray, no social-club half pint’ers with nicotine fingers.
  • Teenage barworkers too young to serve alcohol. That’s the truth. All braces and badges, ,, and smiles and braces (teeth). I’m getting old. They’ll be tossing cocktail shaker later no doubt.
  • Two receptionists to help you check-in to the self-serve check-in. I shit you not!
  • It’s a hotel work culture. A billion pound cottage industry supporting so many others, conveniently placed at an inter-section, a syphon for time and money. Facilitating. Too noisy to work in, You can barely hear yourself think.

    A conference call looms, retire to the room. A stripey, quirky threw up a contemporary artists studio type of room. Looks like a Supermarket Sweep mad dash in Ikea. Dale would have been proud. R.I.P. Dale. X

    Two showers, no instructions. There’s an app for that.

    The sink is too high for a child. Family room!!!

    A mobile office space with a foot deep desk. Nose pressed against the plasma. Modern working environment. An aesthetic and ergonomic nightmare. A contortionists dream. Move the cheap uncomfortable wireframe chair and it’s gridlock. A War”hole”!

    Still, unpacked the minimalism. Looks like someone came in the room and left an iPad. CALM.

    Ellie came home, the pool stops letting children in, just after school ends. FFS!

    Sim (Wife) came home, fell over in the mud. Ego and bum bruised. Bless. I Love you. I’m so proud of you. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.

    The girls unpacked. Looks like we’ve been robbed by (insert something none-pc.)…

    CALaMity. (see what I did there).

    • Instructed the insurer.
    • Asked for a house upgrade ( threat of lawsuits).
    • Contacted the local Councillors
    • Contacted National Resources Wales
    • Told the press to go away again. No comment.

    45 minute conference call. Made a few corrections, provided some direction. Laid down the law, (school-run) walked out the door. Productive day.

    Dear hotelier.

    A sofa bed doth not make a family room. A family room has more than two towel hooks. (wife’s jibe). It’s Wales, it’s wet, invest in a fucking coathook or three.

    Your reluctant resident

    Displaced Minimalist

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